The Buffet don't work!

'Whichever 'Kanjoos Da Puttar' invented the buffet needs to be put to one side and shot.

A typical Indian style buffet found at Asian Weddings

Mr Great Grandaddy once told me 'There's two kind of people in this world...the human beings and the Khutay (dogs)....unfortunately there are more Khutay around."

Picture this and then tell me what you think. You could be at a small event or just somewhere where the hosts didn't want to serve you.

The 'Ailaan' (announcement) is made that the food is about to be served. For a split second everyone acts civilised and remains seated.

Then panic sets in when someone realises its a buffet. The person at the front says tables one, two and three can eat first. What? We have to wait another thirty minutes. Screw that.

I'll just pretend I'm going to the toilet but get some food instead. The problem is every Kameena has the same idea.

Do we get up and queue in an orderly fashion? Hell no that's for british people, we are Indian / Pakistani now.

That 'B' word is our cue to make a run for it. Desi style. Why? Because we know from past experience that where there's a buffet there is bound to be no 'botian' (chicken legs) left within thirty seconds.

You have to be quick otherwise you'll be the only one walking around with crisps on your plate.

It's quite tense these days because you have to sit with rich B...atches sometimes.

There's no need to queue - it is far better to just start our own queue up from the other end. When that happens everyone tries to switch places and then it's time for the heavyweights - the Dada of the buffet does the inevitable. He goes for the jugular.

He just walks behind the counter and takes the buffet from the rear. And do you want to know who is the worst people at acting as if this is their last meal on earth.

The suits! Yes my dear brothers and sisters it's the suits. People who wear suits at an event are likely to be hungrier than any others.

I was at an event the other day where this gentleman who claimed he owned three businesses and was setting up another soon in Dubai (it's always Dubai!) sneaked in at the front of the queue without even feeling a tad bit guilty.

All that time he was acting as if he was Richard Branson or Lord / Sir (not sure) Alan Sugar and then did a sly one and dived for all the samosas and kebabs.

My instincts are finally tuned now. I know what happens and I know exactly what to do....get to know the guys who refill the buffets....Ha ha no one thought of that did they.