Mr Loverman

Payaar te mein Karda Hunda Sanh Jadhu mein Gareeb tha. Ooon te manu Zaroorat he kohnee. (I used to love when I was poor but now I have no uses for it.) It isn't the relationships that screw you up its the way some guys just go on about it all the time.

'I met this girl, we fell in love and now she won't talk to me.' 'I've texted and called her all day and she won't reply to anything.

"I can't get her out of my head.' 'I want to spend the rest of life with her because she's MY darling', 'I'm in LOVE and no-one understands', 'Will you call her FOR me and just tell how great I am'... you bunch of modern day Ranjays (oranges).

We might as well dress you all up in orange and shave your heads.

It's like some people have been watching too many Bollywood films for their liking and a song a dance later everything will be okay.

No it won't! Life is short, brutish and nasty.

And remember if she ain't calling YOU she's probably calling someone else.It's simple, see. If she doesn't want to talk to you, don't be driving up and down her street trying to catch a glimpse of her.

Don't be calling the b**** at all hours of the night and withholding your number. She doesn't pick up it means she doesn't want to know.

'Oh Prava Mano Payar Ho Gya.' (hey mate I'm in love) So what do you want me to do?

The worst thing is sitting in car with a mate who won't shut up about the same old thing. 'What if I do this and how about that?' What the hell are you asking us for? What are we meant to do? We don't know. Do we really care? Why are you wasting our time for?

Go home and watch some TV and maybe a quick Jonathon Ross WILL calm your nerves. Songs! don't put the songs on..they are seriously depressing me. Sajnaaaaaah....set me free.

You broke up with her and now we gotta listen to it!

There are times when it just becomes too much. So you decide to make the brother feel worse just for a laugh.

You start saying things like: "I saw her in this guys car', 'She says she NEVER loved you and her dads really strict', 'She thinks your car is crap and she'd rather DIE than be with you.' And then you just sit back and watch the poor bugger try to justify everything.

Like saying she was a slapper anyway. Oh yeah so wasn't when she was with you. And he's going out with someone else. Sure you are! You should be glad she even spent a minute with you.

As you get older you get some young fella telling you about 'love' and how he's the only person who's ever been through it.

Puttar...just shut up and put the Qawalli on. And if that doesn't help, I'm fresh out of ideas..... I hate love storys.

 Title song from the Bollywood Movie, I Hate Luv Storys (2010)